Devastating

Tonight, we're devastated. Its a strong word to use, I know.

Even though we're still waiting on the results from our recent procedure (see previous post), the doctor called today with some test results that rocked our world.

Not only does he doubt that the procedure could work, he believes our only option may be invitro fertilization. The whole time we have been going through infertility treatments, we have always said IVF is where we will draw the line. If someone has to literally grab an egg out of my body to fertilize it, perhaps God didn't intend for us to get pregnant.

I didn't imagine I would take it this hard. I've always had a heart for adoption, but my husband hasn't felt completely the same. His enthusiasm to get pregnant really rubbed off on me and I've spent the past year dreaming about getting that little pink line on the pee stick.

Of course, pregnancy is uncomfortable. When I was pregnant with my lil girl, I started getting cankles at 5 months along....I was a fat cow. I was so relieved when she finally came, I just didn't want to be pregnant anymore. But nontheless, the journey of pregnancy is amazing. I loved getting excited about doctor appointments. Every ultrasound was like Christmas morning- getting to see fuzzy black and white images of your precious baby made us both absolutely giddy.

Please forgive the self-absorbed post. My hope is that somewhere in the future, we can see the hand of God inside this, so this just serves as reminding me (and readers) about the devastation that God can deliver us from.

So for now, we feel a bit like Israelites wandering in the desert, waiting for His promise. Though right now, I feel like throwing out a fleece for God to prove that He's still there.